I Will Have Weak Moments...and that's ok.

I can't figure out what was different today. Maybe it was that I talked to my boyfriend on the phone for the first time. Maybe it was that it has been so difficult to get my boyfriend on the phone UNTIL today. Maybe it was that it is so difficult because I am 7 hours ahead in time, therefore I couldn't manage to mathematically organize a proper phone conversation successfully. It could be that I am running on a lack of vitamin D as well. It has been raining since tuesday morning. The seasons and weather are similar to the midwest, so I don't anticipate these rainy blues forever, and I am a big girl and can handle it. A little sunlight may brighten up this looming dark cloud; that although small, has still descended on this thursday. I suppose it was all of those things in combination with the horse-sized pill that I may have finally swallowed. A slight homesickness has started to incubate and its manifestation seems inevitable :(

Don't get me wrong, there are no complaints on this end. The fact that I am searching for a logical reason that's colored in black and white makes me feel better already. It proves I am not questioning this decision and not questioning the option of quitting it. Maybe it had to do with the immensely overwhelming support I have received in the less-than-one week I've been gone. I've never been an overly sensitive mushy gusher, but I inhaled much heavier than I am used to when I was reading everyone's messages of love and support, and my exhales were slightly sharp and short in effort to hold back tears. While it made me feel so much farther away, it also made me feel so much more purposeful. Those emotions in themselves will fill the void that is white and black with every color of the rainbow. That rainbow is ever more important than the raindrops that has filled this week and the cloud that has taken its temporary shelter over my eyes.

I once read that there are actually theories that color holds power over us. Maybe it's the cerulean blue of my boyfriend's eyes or the yellow mustard stain on my couch cushion at home. Maybe its the neons hanging in the windows of Legends, or my green rug that so badly needs vacuuming. It could also be the black dressy sandals I forgot to pack that has so robbed me of my thrilling thursday, but either way, that theory holds truth for me. I miss those damn things in a very colorful and very powerful way.

I must be thirsty today because my glass seems to be a little more half empty than usual, but this blog is about me; my emotions, my experiences, and also for my special on Oprah's comeback show one day. It won't be fake, won't always be good, but will always be annoyingly me.
Today was just fine, but tomorrow will be better. It can't rain forever.

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