This transition has been much more trying on my independent spirit than I thought it would be. I have neglected to blog a little because I am worried that a little bit of whining would reflect into what I write about. At risk of sounding ungrateful or selfish, I once again have waited for the feeling to pass. I can be honest and say that it has faded a bit, just in the last week in fact. I went through a period where the thought of writing was one I purposely put into the back of my head, because I didn't feel anything was worth writing about. Which is crazy, isn't it? You'd think a day that I did laundry in Germany would astound me enough to write about it, but when I am stuck in a funk, the selfish corner of my psyche refuses to try anything, other than feel sorry for myself.
I worry once again that that paragraph makes me seem ungrateful. But it is true what they say, or what I think. Where you go is just geography, a point of latitude and longitude on a map. No one ever said that if you close your eyes and point to a place on a globe, you will find happiness there. I think a lot of this experience will open my eyes to that realization...more and more everyday. That sentence almost made me cry. Last monday I made a mental commitment to myself to stop with the self-pity "I'm all alone" pamphlet I skim through everyday in my mind. Yes, I am all alone, and I allotted myself a certain amount of time in my head to cry into my stuffed dinosaur at night, but I didn't actually think about those feelings being authentic instead of just part of the plan I had hatched for this adventure. Anyone who knows me, knows I over think everything. Anyone who knows me is aware that I would rather panic about having enough coins for laundry than just waiting to get home and counting them first. This could easily be a character flaw, and a recognizable one, but either way, it usually can prevent me from making a really big mistake. It can also make the big decisions I make look like mistakes if I am not careful.
This blog entry is starting to look like an elaborate collection of excuses when I am merely trying to explain the current state of mind I am in. I will blog more later about my latest adventures... We went to the Zoo last week, and I went to Munich this past Saturday. Neither event being too eventful, but interesting nonetheless. The contrast in lifestyle is just incredible. I know that they say it's a "world away", but people are people, and things are things...yet they're so DIFFERENT.
I will get into all of that later, this I promise. I have found a variant source of strength recently and I think it will be enough fuel to keep me chugging along until I discover yet another origin of fortitude. That faith I maintain.
bis zum nächsten Mal
I worry once again that that paragraph makes me seem ungrateful. But it is true what they say, or what I think. Where you go is just geography, a point of latitude and longitude on a map. No one ever said that if you close your eyes and point to a place on a globe, you will find happiness there. I think a lot of this experience will open my eyes to that realization...more and more everyday. That sentence almost made me cry. Last monday I made a mental commitment to myself to stop with the self-pity "I'm all alone" pamphlet I skim through everyday in my mind. Yes, I am all alone, and I allotted myself a certain amount of time in my head to cry into my stuffed dinosaur at night, but I didn't actually think about those feelings being authentic instead of just part of the plan I had hatched for this adventure. Anyone who knows me, knows I over think everything. Anyone who knows me is aware that I would rather panic about having enough coins for laundry than just waiting to get home and counting them first. This could easily be a character flaw, and a recognizable one, but either way, it usually can prevent me from making a really big mistake. It can also make the big decisions I make look like mistakes if I am not careful.
This blog entry is starting to look like an elaborate collection of excuses when I am merely trying to explain the current state of mind I am in. I will blog more later about my latest adventures... We went to the Zoo last week, and I went to Munich this past Saturday. Neither event being too eventful, but interesting nonetheless. The contrast in lifestyle is just incredible. I know that they say it's a "world away", but people are people, and things are things...yet they're so DIFFERENT.
I will get into all of that later, this I promise. I have found a variant source of strength recently and I think it will be enough fuel to keep me chugging along until I discover yet another origin of fortitude. That faith I maintain.
bis zum nächsten Mal
May I just add, what a great read while sipping my coffee love :) However espresso and champagne sound so much more interesting but would eat the shit out of my stomach may I add LOL. Your writing and genuine thoughts that you speak from your heart and just your journey alone is so inspiring Ash. Some of us are small town girls at heart whom love the presence of close friends and family and or just a beckon call away. It's not so easy for one to pack up and go and fit right in with no anxiety or question of the choice made. Heck not knowing a lick of German! Think about anything else you've done in your life that you didn't want to or maybe weren't 100% confident in doing. Typically there is always a positive outcome because you succeeded in pushing yourself, whether you'd be willing to do it again! Pushing your anxiety or comfort zone in being alone for longer than you'd typically wish, will cause you to think and possibly second guess yourself but it will be the only way to get past these insecurities or at least learn from them.
ReplyDeleteIf you plan to be there a while- heck i'd visit you schön! Pictures look amazing and you know my interest in traveling.
But no matter what, stay grounded with some things that comfort you- you need a sense of 'home base'. As long as your open to learn I can almost guarantee you'll slowly relate to things in their culture and find things more and more intriguing. From one kindred spirit to another doll :) ~Erin